Steve Boyd Presentations

Conversation Time!

Erin Moriarty of 48 Hours said, “With cell phones, iPhones, Blackberries and computers, Americans today have no trouble making connections…it’s making conversation that seems to be a problem.” Good conversation is a diminishing social skill. Because it is the holiday season when people get together at parties or family gatherings, a look at the keys to good conversation is important. 

A key to good conversation is listening. People tend to talk at each other instead of taking turns talking and listening. You will make the talker like you and respect you not by what you say so much as how well they think you are listening. People love to talk and when someone has a story to tell, you can’t wait to tell your own story. Sometimes the only reason you listen is because you know you get to talk next. 

Spend more time listening than you do talking. Add a competitive element to your listening. Summarize in your own mind what the other person’s point is. If it is a familiar topic, listen closely to learn something new. Think of a question you might ask even if you don’t get to ask it. These simple mental exercises will keep you listening instead of interrupting the talker or thinking of what you want to say when he or she stops talking. Voltaire said, “When you listen, you have power; when you talk you give it away.”

To improve your conversation skills, learn to ask questions. A good question will keep you engaged with the topic. As someone said, “The person who talks a lot dominates a conversation, but the person who asks questions controls the conversation.”  Don’t too many questions; you will seem like an interrogator. Ask more open questions than closed questions. Good open questions might start with “What do you think,…” or “How do you feel about…” or “What is your opinion…” 

Finally when you do talk, keep your comments short and concise. A little boy asked his mother a question. The mother said, “Why don’t you ask your dad?”  His response was, “I don’t want to know that much about it.”  Some people can’t give a “yes” or “no” answer to a closed question. They feel like they have to elaborate or give an example. 

As Moriarty concludes her discussion of conversation, she writes: “Talk may be cheap, but good conversation is priceless.”

The End of an Era

            Not many people have a life on network television news at age 92, and yet that is what Andy Rooney has been able to do. Curmudgeon that he is, his ideas were always thought-provoking. He has a communication style that basically says, "Here is my opinion and I don't care how the chips fall."  In addition, he looked at issues in a way no one else had thought about. He was willing to poke holes in our sacred cows.

            One I remember well was shortly after the inauguration of President George W. Bush in 2000. His criticism then was why Presidents always include in their speeches, "God bless America." Not only did President Bush do it in his inaugural address, but Rooney showed  short clips from Presidents Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and the Democratic  presidential nominee  that year, Al Gore,  where each had invoked God's blessings. His question was, "Does that mean that God does not bless other countries? Or does that mean He should not bless other countries?”  This was a unique way of saying maybe we use  this phrase  as a trite throw-away line instead of actually thinking of a spiritual experience  that probably does not  fit most  major speech  situations.

            An important point for communicators from Andy is not to speak unless we have a specific point to make. His listeners who heard his commentaries never thought, "I wonder what his point was."  And Andy Rooney never rehashed old stuff. His other lesson for talkers is to speak only when you can add something new or different on the topic.

Silence is Golden

       Since I retired a few weeks ago from the university, I don’t talk as much. I don’t lecture up to twelve hours a week. I spend more time in silence; I have more time to think about my speeches and sermons. I spend a lot of time writing and preparing presentations in the quietness of the Cincinnati Mercantile Library in downtown Cincinnati or in the carrels of the Northern Kentucky University library.
         Even though my careers center on talking, there is less stress when I don’t talk as much. I don’t have to worry about saying too much or saying something I might regret because I did not think it through carefully enough. Not talking as much gives me more time to do other things. I find that I observe more closely and ponder more deeply.
         Ausonius said, “He who does not know how to be silent will not know how to speak.”  Solomon in his wisdom made the point that there is a time to be silent. I think all of us could communicate better if we spent more time in silence.
         Use silence to underscore what you do say. When I pause a moment, the person I’m talking to looks at me expectantly. (Unless it’s my wife; she’s more likely to take that opportunity to toss in her two cents worth.)
          Practice important conversations by going over mentally what you plan to say. Spend private time each day either anticipating your responsibilities for the day or pondering what you learned that day before you retire for the evening.  
          I wish our leaders would spend less time on camera talking about issues and spend more time behind closed doors thinking and studying issues. The decisions might be of higher quality.
          We pay the ultimate respect by a moment of silence. We honor a person’s life by a period of silence. We can be surprised to the point of silence.
           When I am silent, I learn more; I find out more about others and myself. I observe more, and I am less stressed. I have taught that in my listening seminars for years, but now I am even more aware of the truth of the importance of listening.
            The title of this piece is just part of the idiom. The entire quotation is “Speech is silver; silence is golden.” Maybe we should all seek a little more gold and a little less silver.   

Get Information Before You Give Information

A way to improve immediately the quality of your communication is to get information before you give information. Here is the way this technique works.

When you are asked a question, before giving an answer, follow instead with a question seeking more information. For example, I was visiting a colleague in his office when a student came in asking if he could make up a test he had missed.

Instead of directly answering the question, my friend said, "Did you miss any other classes on the day you missed mine?" The question startled the student because this response was not what he expected. I could tell he wasn't ready to answer the question. Haltingly he admitted that he had missed my friend's class to study for another test. This added information affected how my friend counseled the student about making up the test. As I recall, he allowed him to do so but with a grade penalty.

Someone asks for directions to a popular shopping mall. Before answering, I may ask, “What time of day do you plan to go?” Since the time of day determines traffic patterns, I might recommend a different way if the trip is during rush hour traffic versus a one o'clock destination time.

A friend asks for a restaurant recommendation for dinner. Before answering, ask if there is a ceiling on how much he is willing to pay. That answer will help determine what restaurants you recommend.

Thus the quality of communication improves when you seek more information in order to give a more specific or accurate answer.

What are good follow-up questions you use to get more information before answering the original question? 

"I Prefer Listening"

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been criticized for not asking questions during oral arguments.  His response is "...in law school, I could learn better just listening," as quoted in USA Today.  He further stated in the interview, "I think there are far too many questions (in oral arguments). I prefer to listen and think it through more quietly." 

This is good advice for all of us. I find that people have better human relations when they spend more time listening than talking. That begins with just being silent. In fact, the letters that spell silent are the same letters that spell listen; they are just arranged in a different order. People are sometimes startled by this idea when I point it out in my Power Listening seminar. An effective way of listening is silence, but you must arrange your thoughts differently to concentrate on the message instead of retreating into your own little thought world. 

Keep track of your talk time versus your listening time in the course of a day. You might be surprised that you learn more by "...thinking it through quietly." 

Valentine's Day 2011

Saturday night was lots of fun for Lanita and me! We attended the St. Aloysius Gonzaga Catholic Church Valentine Banquet where I was privileged to speak. Wonderful food and conversation abounded, and my speech, “Coming Home to Love and Laughter,” was well-received. 

For the benefit of those from St. Al’s who have actually found my blog, here is one husband-wife story I didn’t tell.                                              

A friend asked a man: “Did you hear the joke about the dirty window?”

“No,” he answered.

“Well, you couldn’t see through it anyway,” his friend answered. The husband thought that was pretty good, so he wanted to tell his wife.

He said, “Did you hear the joke about the window you couldn’t see through?”

“No,” she answered.

“Well,” he replied, “it’s too dirty to tell, anyway.”

Hope your Valentine Day was as much fun as ours!

Listen, Ask, Listen Again

The words in the title of this piece are part of key training skills Delta Airlines is using to send 11,000 agents back to school, according to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal.  Another  training skill  stressed is "be there."  This is another way of saying, pay attention to your customer!  Why are these skills being taught?  Because among major airlines this past year, Delta had the highest rate of customer complaints. 

            One of the points I stress in each listening seminar and in my keynote, “Be Present When You Are Present,” is the importance of listening and paying attention to the bottom line in any situation.  Many companies have similar products and cost.  The competitive edge, as Delta knows, is that customer service is based on these people skills of listening and attention.  On my website, I even offer wallet cards with reminders of “How to Keep Listening Instead of Talking.”

            If these skills are at the crux of profit and loss in a company, think how important listening and attention are in day-to-day living!  As Henry David Thoreau said, "The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought and attended to my answer." 

Listening from the Heart

In my listening seminars and university classes, students learn that empathic listening, or listening from the heart, will affect other aspects of communication. Colin Firth makes a similar point in the article from the Wall Street Journal mentioned in yesterday’s blog.

There he recounts what it was like to play the role of a stutterer as King George VI. In talking about the difficulty in taking on such a role, he said, "...whenever I play someone who suffers, I feel there's a danger that I'm an imposter. So it's a relief that people who stammer haven't felt misrepresented." Then he said, in concluding his point, "When there's a story that takes everyone through something like this, it's a way to say to others, 'Now you live through it and see how it feels.'"

            That is why, in most conversations, you relate best and hold the attention of the other when that person feels you understand and are concerned.

What Is That I Hear?

A miniature schnauzer used to be part of our family. Sebastian had a high-pitched yip that was consistently irritating, and he would bark when anyone came near the house. One day, unbeknownst to me, our neighbor Marg was visiting my wife in the living room. As I came in the door, Sebastian did his usual yipping, so in response I imitated his bark back to him, simply to aggravate him more. Marg overheard my echoing the dog and exclaimed, "Is that another dog?"  And my wife had to admit that it was her husband. Identifying sounds can be a fascinating challenge.

          One day a few years ago I was fishing with my good friend, Dave. I was startled when I heard a slapping sound nearby. Dave also heard it and said, "Did you hear that beaver?"  He told me that it was the sound of the animal hitting his tail against the water. He then told me how the different animals and birds that live on or near the creek provide us with a calliope of sounds if we will just listen and learn to identify their unique sounds. John Burroughs, American essayist and naturalist, said, "I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order." After that conversation I became more aware of not just the beauty of the creek, but also the sounds of wildlife that inhabit the area.

          You see, sharpening our abilities to recognize sounds will also encourage us to listen to other stimuli around us. Learning to listen is not just a technique or a process, but also involves the art of distinguishing one sound from another. You may have thought that all crying babies sound alike. However, when you have a baby of your own you soon discover that your baby has a unique sound that you can identify from all the other babies. One reason is that you have practiced listening for its sound.

            Although we live in the city, our backyard is part of an easement that is basically a wooded area inhabited by a variety of wildlife. They include deer, squirrels, rabbits, foxes, and coyotes. What has been an education is to recognize the howling of the coyote in contrast to a barking dog. This was a new, eerie sound when we first heard it late one night. But we can now identify the howling easily. It was a matter of learning to distinguish among animal sounds.

          Make it a goal to learn to identify sounds; when you do, you are developing the same self-discipline to listen actively to people. Can you distinguish among the sounds of the siren of an ambulance, fire truck, and police car?  How about the sounds of different caliber guns?  Can you tell the difference in sounds from a shotgun, rifle, and pistol?  Then if you want to dance to Latin music, can you tell the difference in music for the cha-cha, the salsa, and the tango? 

          One way to begin is to listen to music from such sources as Moodstreams. You can find online articles about improving listening. Remember the point made by John Cage: "There is no such thing as an empty space or an empty time. There is always something to see, something to hear. In fact, try as we may to make a silence, we cannot." 

Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is Professor of Speech Communication, College of Informatics, Northern Kentucky University, near Cincinnati. He presents keynotes and seminars to corporations and associations whose people want to speak and listen effectively. See additional articles and resources at www.sboyd.com. To book Steve, call 800-727-6520 or email him through his website.

You Communicate Best When You Don't Talk

Recently in a seminar I had a participant who gave me excellent nonverbal feedback. She had a perpetual genuine smile and asked a couple of excellent, thought-provoking questions which initiated good seminar discussion.

          At a break I complimented her on this trait. Her response was intriguing. She said that she always wanted to raise the bar of interaction when listening to a speaker or a moderator at a meeting. She wanted to make sure there was a connection with the talker that made both the speaker and the listener work harder at exchanging ideas. She thought she could make the speaker even better with aggressive positive nonverbal reactions. She was very conscious of making that happen—thus the overt feedback.

          I've thought about that comment. You the listener can make the speaker more effective by "raising the bar" during the communication act by the way you respond. When you make such a conscious effort to contribute even when you are not to speak,  you  pay better attention and encourage the speaker even more to give his or her best in that presentation.

          Listening is not passive; you can be very actively involved in communicating, even when you don't speak. As Charles Dickens said, “Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true.”